Adventures in Truth Seeking

Three things that you don’t want to hear in a tattoo parlor:

1. “Eagle?! I though you said beagle!

2. ”We ran out of red, so I used pink instead.”

3 “Bob has two ‘O’s in it, doesn’t it?”

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Moving Testimony

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven.

There, they are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning, what would you like to hear them say about you?"The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!"

OK, one more:

My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon...and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

The Greatest Game I Ever Saw

I hope everybody got to see the Fiesta Bowl last night. Today, it was not uncommon for office workers, sports writers, and any one else to declare that it was the greatest football game ever played. It was one of those rare magical moments that if you were watching it, you knew you were seeing something extraordinary.

The game was pitched as David versus Goliath. Little Boise State University was given an opportunity to play against powerhouse Oklahoma by virtue of its 12 – 0 record. The WAC conference doesn’t usually get to participate in a BCS Bowl Game, but no one could argue against their undefeated record.

As the game wore on, it became evident that the Boise State Broncos were living up to the challenge. They battled the Sooners the whole way. Prior to the game, one of the Bulldogs was asked about how he liked the David and Goliath analogy. “Well, in that story, David wins, right?” he offered.

Boise State shocked the Sooners with two quick touchdowns in the first quarter. But Oklahoma didn’t fold. Bob Stoops, Oklahoma’s coach is tenacious. He is reputed to be one of the highest paid coaches in the land (up to $3 million). The players are big, very athletic, and very deep. Late in the 4th quarter with a little over a minute to go, they finally caught up. Then, on the first play following the kick-off, Boise State’s quarterback threw a sideline pass. The receiver turned the wrong way and the defender turned the right way. He took the ball into the end-zone and Oklahoma suddenly led by a touchdown. At that point everyone, me included, was ready to hand Boise State the “good effort” award. Hey they came close but, after all, they aren’t the Sooners.

Boise State then marched down the field and scored on a perfectly executed hook and ladder play. The trick play stunned Oklahoma, who thought they had the game won. It went into overtime.
In overtime, each team gets a possession. Oklahoma, wanting to end the game gave the ball to its big back who bulled his way into the end-zone on their very first play. On Boise State’s possession, their drive stalled and they faced a 4th down. Out comes another gadget play – a halfback pass executed perfectly for the touchdown. How many times could Boise State pull out a magic play?

At that time, you could sense that this was no ordinary game. Forget the reputations and pedigrees. There was something happening that was almost surreal. Boise State needed to kick the extra point to tie the game again and send it to round two of the overtime. Instead, they came and lined up for a 2-point conversion. They were invited to the Fiesta Bowl because they were undefeated and they came to the game to win it. They would win or lose it on this play.
Oklahoma called time-out. Coach Stoops warned them to watch for another gadget play. Both teams came out on the field and lined up. The ball was snapped and Boise State then ran the perfect Statue of Liberty play. The quarterback pretended to throw the ball to the right side of the field with his right hand but instead, handed it to his running back with his left hand. Everyone in the stadium (minus eleven guys), saw it. The running back was untouched as he raced to his left into the end-zone. Game over. David had beat Goliath with a kids’ play.

The air was electric. People were rubbing their eyes. Did that really happen? The Oklahoma coach was visibly stunned. The announcers who were in place to interview the winners had to race to the other side of the field. One caught up with the winning running back who calmly said that they came to win. Then to everyone’s amazement the running back turned to the Boise State cheerleader standing next to him, got on one knee and proposed to her. “Yes,” she said.
I was alone in the family room. I looked around for someone to ask, “Did you just see that?” No one there, but Charlie. For a moment I thought he was going to reply, but the magic had gone.

See for yourself, here

Intelligence trumps information

Well, you can find truth in the strangest places. Even in the email jokes being passed around the office.

Bear with me one more time:

A Texas cowboy was tending to his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy... "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"


The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.


The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.


He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.


Finally, ! he print s out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, ''You have exactly 1586 cows and calves.


"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.


He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.


Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not.


"You're a consultant for the National Democratic Party," says the cowboy.


"Wow! That's correct,"says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?


"No guessing required," answered the cowboy, "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business...


Now give me back my dog."

HU's ON FIRST

Bear with me. I just can't resist taking advantage of the occasion.





(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the visiting leader from China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is coming for a visit from China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is coming for a visit from China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The leader from China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is the leader from China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is coming from China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is coming from China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the leader coming from
China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is dead isn’t he? And I thought he was from the
Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the leader coming from
China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy visiting from China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the
U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we
should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get
Chinese food in the Middle East?

Originally written by James Sherman. Adapted to fit the current events.